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Cats' Corners: the little HOUSE in the woods....
Where House is NEVER safe...
This WASN'T in What To Expect!!!!! [personal entry] 
15th-Nov-2008 08:29 am
WilsonFrustrated
Just a quick note to God, or the Fates, or Whatever Else might be Out There:

If ANYONE had EVER mentioned SCIENCE FAIR PROJECTS to me, lo, these many years ago,

I WOULD HAVE REMAINED CHILDLESS!

also, there is not enough Ativan on the freakin' planet.
 

That is all. 
Thoughts 
15th-Nov-2008 02:30 pm (UTC)
Ahh, you just reminded me why I don't have any children :)

Yes, the annual science fair project. The only time I won was the year my mom did my whole project because she didn't like the way I was doing it.


15th-Nov-2008 02:36 pm (UTC)
i don't WANT to win; i don't even wanna place. I JUST WANT SOMETHING WRITTEN DOWN ON POSTER BOARD THAT LOOKS LIKE MY KID OWNS AT LEAST TWO BRAIN CELLS TO RUB TOGETHER.

and--parenthetically--because i am gimping around the house, shouting enthusiastically, "It'll be FUN! We can DO it! We'll make a memory that'll last a LIFETIME!" koda is now cowering in a corner of the kitchen, mumbling, "ummm.... mommmm.... you're scaring me...." [with a sweet, wry smile on his face].

that whole not having kids thing? was a damned sound decision, my dear.
15th-Nov-2008 03:03 pm (UTC)
Take another pill and a big swig of coffee because it gets worse. Let me tell you about the year of the English project where I had to sew sock puppets and his dad built a puppet stage. There was no way on this earth any kid could have done that on his own. I'd love to know what his teacher was smoking when she dreamed that one up. And then there was the world history project where we had to draw maps by hand, color them and glue them to a beach ball. (This is where Mom's black belt skills in artful photocopying and providing tracing paper came in handy big time.)

I think we were fortunate with the science projects in that he always picked something that was more like consumer science. One year we all chewed different varieties of bubble gum and tested how far they'd stretch. Another year he tested milk to see if fat content affected how fast it would go bad in a cool, dark environment (under the bathroom cabinet).

The key to getting through this is to let the kid do what he can do, fix what you can, stay calm, and just try to get it looking tidy and nicely placed on the poster board. Colorful photographs are a great way to fill up space. Good luck!
15th-Nov-2008 03:17 pm (UTC)
stay calm

ah, but this implies that i am calm to start with. of course, if calm is synonymous with manic, maybe we're okay!

did i mention that i found out last night that this is due monday? and of course, the answer to 'why didn't you mention this before???' is the time-honored, 'but mom, i thought you knew.'

when i was growing up, participation in the science fair was voluntary. whenthehell did that change, and why wasn't i consulted?
15th-Nov-2008 03:27 pm (UTC)
I'm french and as a kid, we didn't have to do such a project. (so you can decide to raise your kids in such a country!)
But, one of our biology teacher had decided to give us grades according to the growth speed of a bean we had to put in wet cotton then plant in eath.
The best grade went to a girl whose mother bought an actual grown-up bean with leafs...
15th-Nov-2008 03:32 pm (UTC)
i'd happily buy the entire school ice-cold cokes if this whole thing would just. go. away. :(
15th-Nov-2008 03:42 pm (UTC)
Whoa, science fair projects. Good luck to you both with that. (I sometimes wonder if the teachers are running their own project-- like, let's see how much insanity we can cause in a set period of time.)
15th-Nov-2008 03:49 pm (UTC)
if the teacher will supply the padded room, i'll gladly demonstrate my current level of insanity. i think the county might happily supply a small room, though, as i'm seriously considering the most efficient methods and legal penalties for kidicide! :)
15th-Nov-2008 04:27 pm (UTC)
AUUUUGGGGHHHH SCIENCE FAIR RUN AWAY RUN AWAY


run to the grocery store and get yourself some actual beer for your very own experiment at the end of the day, okay?
15th-Nov-2008 04:41 pm (UTC)
i am, in fact, running to the grocery store. and the office supply store. and the dollar store. why?, you might reasonably ask. it's because WE DON'T HAVE MOST OF THE ITEMS WE NEED YET. i just drank three cups of coffee, and then tried to drown myself in the shower. alas, i failed.

not a beer drinker--hence my upthread comment graphically illustrates my frame of mind--but wine sounds good. and black russians sound better. i may in fact be adding the liquor store to the errand list.
15th-Nov-2008 08:30 pm (UTC)
I didn't even know what Science Fair Projects are, I had to Google it. We don't have them in my country, and from what I gather from your entry and the comments, I think I should be very happy about that! Is there even a purpose to this all, besides driving both parents and their kids to insanity?

Anyway - good luck to you both!!
16th-Nov-2008 12:26 pm (UTC)
that's the thing; there is no purpose. just like the whole dividing-fractions thingy the sixth grade is doing now. when, in your entire adult life have you ever had to divide a fraction? never, you say?

yeah... that's what i thought.

no purpose. but it does help the parents to reach their secret goal of more gray hairs.
15th-Nov-2008 09:11 pm (UTC)
as a non-parent who has Asperger's I'm just quietly stepping away from the whole thing....
16th-Nov-2008 12:30 pm (UTC)
and that, my dear, is One Smart Move. imagine, if you can, a menopausal Aspie mommy 'helping' a pubertal Aspie adolescent with... with... anything.

i continue to maintain that it is a Very Good Idea that there are no projectile-firing implements in the falango household.
15th-Nov-2008 09:43 pm (UTC)
Your posts are definitely making me rethink my parental ambitions (and making me want to call my own mom and apologize for the fits and freak outs (hers and my own) I put her through over the years of school projects, etc.)

Good luck!
16th-Nov-2008 12:32 pm (UTC)
yes; do call mom and apologize. it will be balm for her soul, i assure you it will.

gonna take all the 'luck' we can get. i am also accepting hugs, prayers, and small donations of unneeded brain cells.
16th-Nov-2008 02:48 am (UTC)
Just a heads up so no one can say you weren't warned but when Koda is in his sophomore year of HS(provided he makes it that long) there will be a project where by you have a stack of pictures and have to go to the nursery and get a sample of each of the types of flowers and leaves on the papers. This will also involve dissecting said flowers and labeling items that all look alike.

Truthfully, I think if you handed in the project you got a good grade, it was that messed up.

Forewarned is forearmed as they say

Here is an idea what Koda's History topic is about- I stole this from the internets but basically Washington and Cinnicutus were both men absorbed with the Republican ideal. Koda should have picked Herodutus Father of History I could have written that one for him :)

Politically the American state is very similar to Athens. We seek to dominate and absorb alien peoples so that they might share our freedom but in doing so paradoxically create tyranny. We justify invasions using abstract republican values such as democracy. We are self-righteous and believe we are superior to all other states, we also believe it is our holy duty to spread democracy to all aliens, even those which fundamentally oppose democracy. We have an incredible unmatched hubris and belligerence. Our leaders attempt to inspire us to war and hunt Immanuel Goldstein through rousing oration, even if it’s plagued by Texan idiosyncrasies. The same rhetoric used in Pericles’ day is still in active use today, and will be eternally until people demand something more then a meme-infested banal minutia of red white and blue marginalization and judgment.
It is imperative in the modern era that we return to original republican moral values for our own sake in the pursuit of brilliance and to avoid further social decadence and corruption. Furthermore it is important that we return to George Washington’s (and other traditional republics) concept of isolationism. All states will eventually evolve into some semblance of a republic in the end; it is the natural human tendency. Just as many (if not more) lives will be lost in a quick, forced war (there is at least 29478 confirmed civilian casualties in Iraq for example but this is a wildly conservative number) as would be lost in a long, natural, protracted revolution. It is then logical (logos intact) for us to remain to ourselves and carry a big stick in the winds of time and allow dictators of far removed people to slaughter their people, it will only catalyze revolution further. It is not our place to colonize the world with the help of the new Delian League of NATO, our place is to enrich our own culture and remain closed to the outside turmoil. Eventually all states will be republican, and we will inherit a global united citizenry. This is not a distant imaginative dream; it is the will Cincinnatus reborn, our first president and proper hero and role model to all citizens, George Washington.



Edited at 2008-11-16 02:56 am (UTC)
16th-Nov-2008 12:50 pm (UTC)
oh. my. god. oh my god. oh my GOD. OMG!!!1!1!!

nonononononononoNO No. just... no.

make it go away, mommy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i detest history; always have. geography, too. history was the first college course i took; i got a Big Red F.

on the other hand, i adore literature. [yeah, i know; that lecture about how most intelligent, avid readers are also enthusiastic students of history? go find nightdog_barks and feed it to her--at least you'll have an agreeable, appreciative audience. that particular lecture just goes into one of my ears, zooms through the Big Empty Space in the middle, and flies right out the other ear].

so... what i'm thinkin' here is... the class is called Social Studies, right. And for this fair, it says "Choose an individual...." and F. Scott Fitzgerald, my absolutely-all-time-phenomenally-amazing-favorite-author, is known as the Father of the Jazz Age. And he qualifies as 'an individual,' right? see where i'm going with this? work with me here....

anyway. that weird flower thingy you mentioned? my stepdad is an agricultural scientist; before his retirement he was Geigy's seniorist senior agricultural scientist. and even i see where i'm going with this-- Welcome Out of Retirement, Grandpa! hee.

[and--just in case--[worst case] i've printed out your comment, thanks; it could possibly be the only thing that saves koda's scrawny little neck.]

Edited at 2008-11-16 12:51 pm (UTC)
16th-Nov-2008 06:32 pm (UTC)
Ah yes, science fair. How I sympathize. My kids' school has one every year. Even the kindergarteners participate.

OTOH I'm a science fair judge for my kids' school, so it's always fun to see the results. (If you need some tips, I'm available, heh.) At least you chose a good project for it. :-)

17th-Nov-2008 03:41 pm (UTC)
it is finished. and i is *ded*. but here is the completed project. and i'll certainly remember the 'tips' offer next year! heh.
25th-Nov-2008 07:29 pm (UTC)
Ah, yes, what I forgot to mention in my last comment: YOU QUIT SMOKING, YAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!

And now back to current events. I vaguely remember having to do a science fair project in middle school. I know it involved a plant, but I don't remember much else. I remember the plant survived for years after the project was over. I remember my mother eventually made watering the plants one of my responsibilities because I was the only one who could keep them alive and make them grow. Who knew?

But, um, yeah -- that's probably the only reason I remember the project at all. The only thing my mother helped me with was taking me to Home Depot (at least I think it was Home Depot) to buy the plant. The project was mine and mine alone. *shrugs because I've got nothin' else in my memory bank at the moment*

*happily childless and plans to remain that way forevermore*
25th-Nov-2008 09:08 pm (UTC)
*happily childless and plans to remain that way forevermore*

yup; that's what i said, too--right up until i was forty-two years old.....

btw--that new thing you pity-reviewed at the Pit? one hundred fifty-seven hits in the less than three hours it's been up. number of reviews, including yours? two. two. but three people who didn't review did like it enough to favorite it. of course, i also have a story there with a grand total of thirteen reviews--yet it's in five C2s. yup, just gotta love that place.... only reason i even post there anymore is so i'll have all my stuff archived in two places, for when The Inevitable Big Crash happens here on the ever-reliable LJ [which just three minutes ago delivered to me all of your recent comment notifications in a great big bunch].